Burns, Scars & Tattoos.

Recently, someone asked me about my scars on my arms. For those of you who do not know, back in 1995 I was involved in a methane gas explosion that left me burnt over 34% of my body. I was in a burn unit for 2 weeks, and then was home for a couple months healing. I have scars all over my hands and arms, my stomach, my legs, and my chest. Most people don’t say anything about it, but when I am asked I absolutely love talking about it.

The question was “Do the scars bother you?” I admit, sometimes when my hands are cold from the weather and redness appears all over them, I think they look awfully wrinkled. I want to hide them in long gloves filled with hand lotion. But honestly, I am truly proud of the remaining visuals on my body. Especially on my stomach – where not only do I have the scars from the accident, but I also have stretch marks from the weight loss.

To me, my scars and burns tell my story, like the various tattoos I get to remind of a moment in time or a person who has touched my life. They are the road maps to the person I have become, and the person who I work hard to be. Even at the time of the accident, when the doctor discussed a procedure to help eliminate the scarring. I told him… “NO! I want to keep them” They are now part of my fabric.

My fabric is the canvas of my stories. And no matter what story is told I honor what was done, what I’ve overcome, and what I will achieve. On a side note, one of the most wonderful things happened to me because of my scars. My friends, Tania and Jeremy’s daughter Rebecca, who couldn’t have been more than three at the time, was running around in the yard, stopped abruptly by my side, looked at my arm, ran her hand over it and said “Pretty!” and continued playing.

Roxanne Marie

What am I getting myself in to?

So.. short and quick. March 2010 I started a weight loss blog. I started with a mission and set goals. One goal in particular – running a half marathon in April of 2011. It was a crazy feeling running it! (I ran a second one in August… and I am currently training for my THIRD half marathon that I will run December 4th!) By the end of this year I will have run 3 halfs!And just over a year ago I needed help getting off the couch!

Well – it is October 2011 and I am going to add another goal to the mix here. I have been a spectator for the last 3 years – but next year I will train hard and I will run the Chicago Marathon. This is now public information. So make your plans for next October 14th…. I expect you all to see me at the finish line. (Especially you Amanda Nommay!)

Roxanne Marie

It Happened in Bucktown!

Today rocks. Plain and simple…. it’s a start of a new chapter in my life. I know over the last year I have gone through changes and have accomplished things that I never imagined! I appreciate the compliments I occasionally get, I LOVE the smaller clothes sizes I continue to wear, and I find life easier to live with more energy. But, when the body moves in way I was  not expecting  and the final numbers are shown it is a TRUE testament of what I have over come.

Last year, my second 5K I ran was on October 3rd – The Bucktown 5K. It was a hard run for me. My breathing was not controlled, I used an inhaler, my legs burned and I walked a huge chunk of the way. Now,1 day less than a year… today on October 2nd I revisited Bucktown and ran the 5K. I mean I ran it! No inhaler – controlled breathing, legs light and fluffy. I didn’t even get sweat in my eyes.

It has been a few hours since I crossed that finish line. The results are in and I couldn’t be more proud of the run today. I finished the run in 33:39. I shaved off 8 minutes and 38 seconds from last year’s time.  I now  know finally what it means to be ‘Roxanne the  athlete’. This now starts a new path of challenges for me. I reset the bar…. and I look forward to jumping 5 feet over it.

I don’t have a good picture from today…. but below is a picture of me from last year’s Bucktown 5K and a picture from the half-marathon I just ran in August.

Roxanne Marie

 

Forgiveness does heal the soul.

Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time reflecting on my eating habits. Looking back on my life, it was a regular occurrence for my eating habits to find its way to the fore front of people’s opinion on me. Growing up, it was a common conversation in the house hold. This was just the start though. Not only would family members call my parents with concern; class mates would tease and taunt me. After awhile, whenever I was in public eating facilities, I felt the eyes of others staring me down while judging me. Each bite I took of my more than plentiful food, I often felt guilt as I took part in a necessary life-giving action. That guilt would do nothing more for me then make me want to eat much more than my body could handle.

Even as an adult, I could not escape the torment. On the night of my bachelorette party, while in a night club dancing, I remember some guy coming up to me and calling out the name Shamu. What really was the point of this? I guess for that guy a moment of humor… but for me, it was just one more validation in the ‘definition’ of who I was at that moment. Fat. I still danced that night, but truth be told, the after effects of that night wasn’t having this last night of being single fun, it was just another evening that pisses me off and makes me angry that I allowed someone else to once again make me feel like shit. Why does it seem like people think they know who you are, what is good for you, and how you should live your life comes from the extra 20 or so pounds on you.

Now it has been years since that evening, and I have changed both physically and mentally since then. What I can finally say about all this reflecting on my weight, my eating habits, my workouts, the OA meetings, is this no matter what weight I am, I will always love myself for who I am because it is not my weight that defines me. It took me years to come to this, but I am truly comfortable in my own skin. My body is nothing more to me than my vehicle to live my life, and to accomplish the dreams and goals I have set for myself.

I forgive that guy that poked fun at my weight on the night of my bachelorette party. I forgive the various other comments others have made. And I finally forgive my self for listening to the opinions of other people who helped create anguish and angst in me.

Roxanne Marie

Eating Disorder? Poor Eating Choices? Or Just irresponsible?

A lot of you know I have been going to OA (Over Eaters Anonymous) for a couple of months. I am not a regular attender but I have gone enough to feel even more confused. As I sit and listen to others, I sometimes leave feeling like I have just heard my story coming from  someone else. Then, sometimes in my ‘this makes me so uncomfortable’ way, I hate every moment and every word that is uttered. I really don’t know where I stand when it comes to food.

I spent 12 weeks eating so super clean for a competition and can’t understand why I can’t ‘eat clean’ in my now ‘every day’ life. It baffles me. When I eat things, there is often a sense of guilt. Does the guilt make it a disorder? Or does the stomach ache just make it irresponsible? Does the choice of fast food over a healthy home cooked meal just make it a bad choice? I REALLY DON’T know. I think to some degree, I need to just pick one of the three options in the title of blog and live my life healing what has been defined. I am tired of the mental anguish I get from food. Food should not cause mental anguish.

One night, my husband made gourmet salads for dinner. To top them off, he threw yummy ranch flavored toasted almond salad topper to garnish the mound of veggies.  They were so delicious! The next day, remembering the tastiness in my mouth,  I  had to eat the rest of the  almonds. The whole bag was demolished in seconds.  Well naturally,  weeks later Steve wanted gourmet salads for dinner again. When he  went to make another salad and top it off with the zesty flavors of nuts, he asked me where the almonds were. I was honest with him and told him I had eaten them all. He knows my eating behaviors; he wasn’t totally surprised. He just simply  rolled his eyes. Moments later, I began to feel guilty about something. I went to him and confessed my sins.

“Hey Steve, y’know the bag of almonds I ate?” He replied “Yeah, what about them?”  “Well…. (taking a deep breath…) ok, first I ate the bag of almonds, then I bought a replacement bag so you wouldn’t know I ate the first bag. THEN I ate those too” He looked at me stunned for a moment, and then just laughed at me. So of course now, we have this little joke in our house hold…. “Did Roxanne eat the last pork chop, or the replacement one?”

Roxanne Marie

Another 13.1 Under My Running Belt

Well, it has been a crazy few weeks. Steve and I moved to a new apartment. It took us a few weeks to get the internet going but we are finally fully settled in our new home. Yes, the internet made it complete. I now feel like I am part of the world again.

Yesterday, I had an incredible day. I ran my second half-marathon. XSport Fitness, the gym I belong to sponsored the Rock N Roll Half-Marathon. The concept of this traveling running event is that there is a Rock N Roll band playing at almost every mile marker. Brett Michaels was the main event after the race… although I did not stay to hear him play.

This run was an interesting run for me and I left it feeling angered and proud. I felt proud that there were huge improvements in my running. My pace was so much better than the first one I did in April. I easily beat my time by a half hour. I could literally feel the power in my legs as I ran each mile. That was an amazing feeling. It is still sometimes hard to believe that I am doing the things I am doing…. it was only last June I could not even run a half mile without feeling like death was coming over me. Because of this, I want to keep running and accomplish many more half-marathons.

Now, what angered me, and became really annoying in this particular run…. was… well…. this is truly embarrassing. I ran into a bit of ‘tummy issues’. I lost a lot of time having to wait for restrooms along the running route. This was so discouraging! I hated it. It was defeating. It wasn’t like I ate things I wasn’t suppose to… I was just running along then “OMG…”. Because of this, I ended up crossing the finish line about 3 mins more than the the last run. It was a difficult run this time around. I ended the race thinking this may be the last long run I ever do.  (On a side note I did beat Al Roker by 3 mins!)

I’m still trying to figure all this stuff out for me. Am I runner? Do I even like running? Do I really want to do this again? The only answer so far that seems to come in loud and clear is that for now, as long as I can run and keep moving I am going to do it. Truth is, I always think of how I was a few years ago and I think about where I could be if I stopped doing what I am doing and it frightens me.

So, another half-marathon under my belt. I feel proud… and for now I think I’ll over look the crap and other challenges that can happen when you run and keep moving forward.

Roxanne Marie

 

 

Another 12 Week Challenge!

Motivation is a hard thing to maintain. Because of my lack of motivation,  I have put on 25 pounds since the huge weight loss from the recent competition. It is so easy to fall back into old habits and patterns. One would think that the new habits would become ‘old habits’ and going back to ‘old habits’ would mean that you are living life with new habits. Ok, I just confused myself, but it makes sense in my head.

Anyway, I had a conversation with  REALLY good friends/ family recently. We discussed motivation and support. With this conversation, we committed ourselves to a 12 week challenge. Together we established goals and a system to support each other. Daily messages, calls, emails, are being used to keep the lines of communication open. This excites me because for the first time in a while I feel motivated. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of working together as a group on something. Plus, now I have the accountability that I lost. This will be good for me and the others participating.

The challenge started last Sunday… of course I had a trip to Vegas in between then and now, so I do sort of feel behind. I won’t let that sabotage me. I am making a new commitment and I know there will be success come October 2nd. My NEW before picture is posted below along with my weight and measurements. In the mean time, I think I am going to look for a cure to LMS. (Lack of Motivation Syndrome). I am realizing that if I don’t keep up with some kind of motivation it will pack on the weight again… and I have worked to hard to lose it to LMS.

Weight = 186.5

Chest = 41 3/4″

Tummy = 38 1/4″

Hips = 44 1/4″

Roxanne Marie

Wait… what just happened?

So today I am conflicted. I hate being conflicted, especially when I  know there is truth to what someone else is saying. I won’t go into detail, but we will just say that I had an unexpected intervention today… with my trainer. For reals. I was completely caught off guard. I was just going in to work out and BAM… I was hit with some hard truths. I hate being called out on things. I mean, it sucks. You don’t want to hear it… you don’t want to acknowledge it and it’s hard to accept our own faults.

I haven’t been training very diligently for my half marathon that’s coming up in a few weeks. It is very much lacking in my committment. I work out a couple of times a week on the treadmill with my trainer.  I am supposed to be doing things on my own. I haven’t. Partly I have been sick the last few weeks. I can’t seem to get rid of a nasty cough. But the truth is – the last few weeks, well since I started training for this thing my heart just  hasn’t been in it.

Today, was interesting. Over the last week I have been reflecting, as always, about all this stuff and I woke this morning feeling really good and I said to myself “Ok, This is it. Take it from here…. go the distance. Finish the journey. Give it your all!” An hour later BAM… intervention. Hmmmmm timing is everything. I don’t really know what today was all about. But going forward, from this moment on, my heart is back in the game. I want continued success. I worked out for half an hour with my trainer after our talk and I have boot camp tonight. I have a work out to accomplish tomorrow and back with my trainer on Friday. I am going to keep the focus and know that the end result of all this is running a race faster than the first time. Truth is, I do want this result. I’m going to finish stronger and faster than the half marathon in April.

Roxanne Marie

 

 

I am a Writer….. who needs to write.

Over the last several weeks, since my whole OA and trying to find a solution to my food problem began, it has been suggested to me, by several different people, that I need to start writing things down. I hear those words and I reply with the standard “Yeah, I should do that.” Today, I came to the profound realization that I call myself a writer but I NEVER write. Ever. The start of this blog was helped by the passion I have for writing. I one day dream of being a published writer… where you have to pay to see my words…. Or at least download it from some paying site for free through Napster… or Limewire.  In my list of things on my ‘I want to change this about me’ list I have added that I am going to write more. So here goes…

Recently I was reflecting on a moment where I came to the realization that I was indeed over weight. It was on the night of my husband Steve’s 10 year high-school reunion back in 2004. Some how, as I did my final once over “I approve this outfit” look, I caught the light just right and I saw this unfamiliar reflection in the mirror. It was a shocking realization. It was my back side that I saw first as I was leaving the bathroom, then I turned my head quickly as I moved my body side to side. For the first time ever, I was introduced to my two left sides and then the two right ones. I was indeed that big, I had 6 sides to me! OH…. MY…. GOSH….I was gargantuan!

Not sure exactly what came over me, but it was an incredible amount of heart ache and pain that surged through my whole body. It was certainly an emotional stressor for me. The weeping began immediately. First the quivering of my upper lip, then a single tear trickling down my cheek. As the tear fell off my face and hit the counter, the water works began to flow. A crescendo of sobs pierced the air loudly and in between huge gasps of air I had various mental images of me through out the years come to the forefront of my mind that confirmed what I saw in the mirror. Steve, suddenly over hearing this drama exploding from the bathroom rushed to my side. With an abrupt panic, he asked me what was wrong. I looked at him and said with what ever energy I had left and whimpered “I’m fat”. He just wrapped his arms around me, and whispered back to me “I know…..” Steve embraced me, comforted me, and just squeezed his love into me. I stepped back, looked at him and asked him softly “When did you know?”

Roxanne Marie

I’m 36 now…. who knew I could STILL learn something about myself!

I think I’ve always sort of known this, but I have come to the final realization that I am mentally dramatic. Over the last couple months I have been neglecting to do the things I set out to do because I was ‘depressed’ or ‘burnt out’ or ‘tired’. Now, my feelings are real in that I felt ‘lost’ and ‘unmotivated’ and even ‘tired’… but the truth is I mentally enhance these feelings so much they numb me and paralyze me. I can’t do anything except Netflix. (Ok, I do realize that there are people who have been medically diagnosed with depression and live their life the way I described…. I am not saying it is not real. It’s serious business… I am only coming from my internal perspective)

So, in watching movies upon movies the last few months… I have taken a left turn down ‘lazy ave’. I woke up one day and found myself laying on the couch for the 11th hour.. surrounded by food remnants and watching a movie that was sooooooo bad that for the first time I thought I am wasting my life…. not to mention the bit of a gut that began growing.

I started going to OA. (Over Eaters Anonymous). That has been interesting. I spoke once. I said ‘I’m Roxanne… I don’t like this. This makes me feel uncomfortable…  but I know something’s going on… and I’d like to figure it out’ Well… basically that’s what I said. I think I was a bit more harsh… and called it a ‘Kumbaya Moment’… and I don’t do those. Anyway, I’m talking about this because as I sit there in the meetings listening, I find myself relating to people. I see myself in their stories. I feel what they are feeling… and I can admit…. I have a problem with food. So if I can relate to people… if I share this about myself to others… some one can relate to me.

Hi. I’m Roxanne. I am a food addict. I am powerless over food sometimes. I eat because I care too much…. and because I don’t care enough.

Roxanne Marie